Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
