I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
