I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
