Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
