my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
