i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
