Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
