your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
