so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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