Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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