hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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