Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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