I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
