i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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