On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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