Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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