This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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