I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
