You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
