The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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