I looked at my own cervix.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
