he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
