She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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