It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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