I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
