Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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