We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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