Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
