when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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