I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We talked him into tasing himself.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
