I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
