how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
