When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
