You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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