Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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