At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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