U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
