How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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