Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
