You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
