Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
