I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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