He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I need to calm my uterus...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize