This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
