It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
