i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
