oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
