As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
