DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
then he tried to convert me to islam
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
