She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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