Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
