"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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