In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
