I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize