I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
