oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Randomize
